Despite the feeling that the second half of May was stormy and frustrating, I never did get caught up in the undertow and dragged down into depression. For that, I am truly thankful. I did feel, towards the end of the day on the 31st, that I had nothing left to give to anyone because people kept making demands of me, but I wasn't depressed. I was just tired.
It's been just over a week since then. I'm feeling better, now that I've had some time away from demands. I feel a bit more like myself. I'm still looking out for the undertow, because I remember how quickly it can drag me to places I don't want to be. I'm trying to find my peacefulness again.
Yesterday, Ace and I went to pray for a local ministry. While we were there, we got to fellowship with a fellow Christian. She gave us some money for a dinner out to celebrate Ace's birthday. She helped us see the brightness of our future instead of focusing on our current circumstances. She blessed us far more than she will ever know. And she kept telling us that we were blessing her too. She found it hard to believe that we are coming up on our 8th anniversary, because we are still so obviously in love.
Things like that are what help strengthen my relationship with God. Every time I think I've reached a breaking point, I find a new measure of strength. Every time I need encouragement the most, someone is there to encourage me. When I need hope the most, some how hope finds me. Every time I wonder if some part of my story is going to have a sad ending, I find that the end hasn't come yet.
I understand how having something that hurts you to the core, shakes everything you thought you believed, can pull you away from God. I understand how losing something you had been praying for, waiting for, hoping for can make you mad and hurt and not ready to be friendly with God. But I also understand how, when the time is done and you find out more of the story, God's mercy and love can be seen shining through.
Every time something tragic and painful has happened to me, I found that after it was over, my faith had grown stronger. Every time, I found out something that showed me how God was looking out for me. No matter how much the emotional storms are raging, God always finds a way to give me the compassion and love that I so desperately need to find my way through to the end. And every time I start feeling like giving up, I only need to remember the good things, no matter how small, that have happened in the past to find the strength to carry on.
I know what it is to hurt. I know what it is to face loss. I know what it means to be broke and hungry. And all of those things have made me a stronger person. I have found that my God is bigger than my circumstances. He loves me. He never lets me walk alone. And during all those times, He has helped me find peace.
"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." - Phil. 4:13 KJV
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