Thursday, April 9, 2009

Complex Thoughts

Since my brain won't shut off enough to allow me to take a nap, I'm going to come here and write. Hopefully, my over-abundance of thoughts will be satisfied and leave me alone (and I should warn you that I'm kind of grouchy about not getting that nap).

I was laying in bed, thinking of how exactly I try to balance myself emotionally each month as Ace and I try to get me pregnant. The kind of things I try to tell myself to keep from letting my hopes get too high.

Every month, I have to remind myself that the week before my period is supposed to start that it's normal for me to start disliking spicy food. That just because I feel nauseous now doesn't mean that I'm pregnant, just that my hormones have made my stomach extremely touchy about what it will eat. I have to remind myself that we are being patient and that we will find out soon enough what is going on with my body.

And then, each month that I get my period, I have to remind myself that we will try again this coming month. That at least we get to enjoy the process of trying. That I'll soon be back to being fully sane and not crying at everything. That it's okay to hurt right now, but not to stay hurting for long.

Tuesday, I started my period. Today, the hurt has caught up with me. In a little while, I'll be fine again emotionally. But for now, I'm mourning what might have been (nothing special about the last month, just hope that's a little crushed).

And this month, I'll gear up to try once again to find the delicate balance between hopeful and realistic so that I don't get crushed emotionally if...
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