Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I Breathe

At some point, a confrontation is going to occur. I know this, and hope that when it comes I'll have all the right things to say. That my anger and frustration don't overshadow my words. But that confrontation is for another day, so for now I breathe.

I focus on breathing in and out. I focus on closing doors, both mentally and physically, to give myself some relief from my almost constant source of stress. I remind myself that everything now is temporary and that I'm getting closer, so much closer to the place I want to be.

The pain is strong, stronger than I ever knew I could withstand. Right now my breathing is almost like a prayer. "Please God," I think. "Help me make it until the medications kick in. Give me a little relief." I try to focus on breathing through the pain and remind myself that soon I won't be hurting, I can make it, after it stops I can rest and let my body relax. I focus on breathing in and out and wait for something to take away the pain of cramps and backaches.

I breathe. I focus on breathing in and out because everything is too much and it's all louder/brighter/stronger than normal. I've been pushed too far physically and I'm just reminding myself that in just a few more moments I'll be allowed to rest, relax, and imagine that the world is kept at bay by a closed door. I'll be allowed to recover, physically and emotionally, with healing sleep so very soon, and for now I need to just breathe.

The past few weeks and months have been long and stressful. The only real word to describe them is long. Time seems to be almost slowing down. I'm struggling with holding myself together until Ace and I can get out of here. My emotional walls have taken a huge beating from me just trying to hold on for just a little while longer, to not be disappointed that perfect timing ended up with cramps and slight disappointment. I've been trying some to focus on just breathing more.

Breathe in, breathe out. Focus on breathing and nothing more. Don't think, don't move, just breathe. Find center again. Calm everything. Breathe in, breathe out. Ignore sound, ignore everything else, just breathe.
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