Friday, January 15, 2010

The Hilarity of Spam Part 6

It's a double post of spam fun today. This one had pictures but they didn't show up when I copy and pasted, so you'll just have to pretend they do.

>Anti-Terrorist and International Fraud Division.
>Federal Bureau Of Investigation.
>935 Pennsylvania Ave, NW
>Washington, DC 20535

Seriously, does the FBI have an anti-terrorist and international fraud division? I really want to know.

>ATTN: BENEFICIARY

Darn, I've been down-graded from citizen (where I'm not one) to beneficiary. I dislike it when that happens.

>This is to Officially inform you that it has come to our notice and we >have thoroughly completed an Investigation with the help of our >Intelligence Monitoring Network System that you legally won the sum of >$800,000.00 USD. from a Lottery Company outside the United States of >America. During our investigation we discovered that your e-mail won the >money from an Online Balloting System and we have authorized this winning >to be paid to you via a Certified Cashier's Check.

Random capitalization. Ah, it's good to see you again. When did my e-mail get put into a lottery outside the US? Or inside the US for that matter? And I'm glad I "won" this money legally. I'd hate to win money illegally.

>It will take up to 10 business days for an International Check to be >cashed by your local banks. We have successfully provide FBI Guarantee >Letter in your package which will enable you cash your check instantly at >any bank in United Sate

Who says I have a problem waiting 10 days for $800,000? I looked at the original spam, and it cut off the sentence like that. Odd that. What is the United Sate?

>We have completed this investigation and you are hereby approved to >receive the winning prize as we have verified the entire transaction to be >Safe and 100% risk free, You will be required to settle the following >bills directly to the Lottery Agent in-charge of this transaction whom is >located in Lagos, Nigeria. According to our discoveries, you were required >to pay for the following -

Mentioning Nigeria - if there were a drinking game associated with spam, you'd have to drink because of that. And why is it that Nigeria always seems to have large sums of US dollars to give away? Isn't Nigeria a rather poor country? Have they been lying to us in real life and telling the truth in the e-mails? Let's see what I have to pay for, to get unsolicited money.

>(1) Cashier's Check Conversion Fee ( Fee for converting the Wire Transfer >payment into a Certified Cashier's Check )

That feels wrong on all kinds of levels. But, I don't know enough about wire transfers to adequately say what is probably wrong with that statement.

>The total amount for everything is $200.00 (Two Hundred-US Dollars). We >have tried our possible best to indicate that this $200.00 should be >deducted from your winning prize but we found out that the funds have >already been converted to Cashier Check and cannot be accessed by anyone >apart from you, the winner; therefore you will be required to pay the >required fee's to the Agent in-charge of this transaction via Western >Union Money Transfer Or Money Gram.

And they couldn't have sent me the money via Western Union? Who says I have $200 to give them for this? Bah!

>In order to proceed with this transaction, you will be required to contact >the agent in-charge ( SAMUEL OLIVER ) via e-mail. Kindly look below to >find appropriate contact information:

What if I'm not feeling kind? Should I look below anyway?

>CONTACT AGENT NAME: SAMUEL OLIVER

>E-MAIL ADDRESS: agentnusam100@gala.net

Um... make of that what you will. Not the most professional e-mail address.

>You will be required to e-mail him with the following information:

>FULL NAME:
>ADDRESS:
>CITY:
>STATE:
>ZIP CODE:
>DIRECT CONTACT NUMBER:

If I give him all of that, he can get a hold of me. If he was really going to give me money, I could almost see it, but he's not. I know he's not, you know he's not. So, no I won't give him this info.

>You will also be required to request Western Union details on how to send >the required $200.00 in order to immediately ship your prize of >$800,000.00 USD via Certified Cashier's Check , also include the following >transaction code in order for him to immediately identify this transaction >: NA5533-974.

If I send him all that contact info, and he knows I've "won" this "lottery", shouldn't he know that I need the info on where to send the money he's requiring of me? Also, the spammers are sending out so many spam e-mails that they have a numbering system in place.

>This letter will serve as proof that the Federal Bureau Of Investigation >is authorizing you to pay the required $200.00 ONLY to Mr. Samuel Oliver >via information in which he shall send to you, if you do not receive your >winning prize of $800,000.00 we shall be held responsible for the loss and >this shall invite a penalty of $3,000 which will be made PAYABLE ONLY to >you (The Winner).

This e-mail is proof of nothing, other than spammers are still out there. And is that saying that if he doesn't (more like when he doesn't) pay out, my consolation prize (that I'll also never get) is $3,000? Why would I do that?

>Please find below an authorized signature which has been signed by the FBI >Director- Robert Mueller, also below is the FBI NSB (National Security

They cut off that sentence too. Supposedly, it's the National Security Branch (which I've never heard of) at least, that's what the pictured logo says.

>FBI Director
>Robert Mueller.

Say hi to Robert Mueller 111 for me... in your will or something.

>NSB Seal

(National Security Branch seal, if there is such a thing)

>Authorized Signature

Here was a picture of Robert Mueller's signature. Could have gotten it from almost anywhere.

>NSB SEAL ABOVE

This was actually right below the seal, but it is meaningless here. Just ignore it.

>NOTE: In order to ensure your check gets delivered to you ASAP, you are >advised to immediately contact Mr. Samuel Oliver via contact information >provided above and make the required payment of $200.00 to information in >which he shall provide to you.

Bad English rears it's head again. Spammers need to learn grammar rules. Also, I'm not going to do it. Not unless FBI agents show up, in person, to promise me this will really go through. Since they won't, I'm not doing it.
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