Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Purging the Guilt

Tonight, I looked back on things my sister had written 2 years ago. And I felt bad once again for the pain I caused her in the process of freeing myself from the stress and hurt that talking to my mother brought about.

My sister got hurt by her friends, something I couldn't have stopped. I feel guilty for her not knowing that she could call me and talk and I would be there for her as best as I could. I feel bad for things I know I can't change and she is probably long over.

I sent her a message, apologizing for the pain I caused. I apologized, but I still feel the need to purge the guilt somehow. My apology doesn't feel like enough.

It doesn't help that I've got hormones surging through me, making my emotions stronger. It doesn't help that I'm fight off cramps (with pain reliever). I feel bad, like I was a terrible person for finally putting myself first after 10 years of stress.

I know that I couldn't have given my sister good support at the time had I still been talking with my mom, but I feel bad that I put myself first. I know that sometimes the best way to help others is to help yourself. I know this. It doesn't change the fact that right now, tonight, I feel like the world's worst sister for things I didn't know that happened in the past.

I'll have to find a way to forgive myself. Because I'm the one making me feel bad. And it's silly of me. But it's how I feel.
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