Sunday, January 18, 2009

Pushing and Pulling

I'm finding myself to be quite an enigma. I feel like I'm pushing out the world right now, which is odd because I don't think the world should really be pushed out.

I'm not sure if I'm concerned that I'll get hurt, or really why I feel like pushing the world away. All I know is that it isn't good and I need to stop it. I need to talk to Ace about getting me out of the house some on the days he works (before his shift change, when we will be getting out of the house for us to exercise). I need to go spend time somewhere other than our house, and more importantly somewhere other than our bedroom.

I'm noticing that as I'm pushing away the world, I'm pulling in Ace (and trying to reach out some to others too). And while that's not a bad thing, he does not need to be my only link to the outside world (besides said friends).

And I can tell how bad I've gotten about this based on my habits with getting the mail. In the past, I got the mail everyday except Sunday. I loved to get the mail. Now, I get the mail on Ace's days off if we are going out around the time the mail gets here and let Ace get it otherwise. I don't feel like getting dressed to get the mail otherwise.

I think I've been drifting away from center again. I'm not exactly depressed, but I'm not feeling normal. And I know I need to get out more, because I keep wanting to push out the world. And getting out of the house should, hopefully, get me over that. Even if it's just a run to the store tomorrow until Tuesday afternoon.

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