Some times when I let my hope get up, I end up feeling crushed afterwards. That's where I am right now. But, I'm finding my way back towards my center.
I started my period today. I'm fighting off cramps with some Midol. I'm fighting off bad feelings with cartoons, mashed potatoes, and time with Ace (at least, I will).
I'm finding it hard sometimes to just be happy for others when I find out they are pregnant. I am happy for them, no matter what, but there is a part of me that also feels jealous that they seem to be pregnant without any struggle, and I'm here waiting month after month to find out if I finally achieved my goal. It's hard to see other people getting what they want and wondering why you don't have the exact same thing.
All of this makes being patient seem a little harder than it should sometimes. Because part of me wants to cry out, how long do I have to be patient? Isn't it someone else's turn to be patient yet? How many people are going to have to ask why we don't have kids yet? Why is there no time frame here for me?
And then the hormone rush starts leaving my system, and I start finding my center again. And I wait.
And I try again next month.
2 comments:
M.A.! I'm so sorry, girl. I have been thinking about you all the time the last couple of days, wondering how you were doing and if you'd gotten any news yet. I'm about ready to play the "Am I or Aren't I" game too...Christmas will be Day 32 for me.
Hang in there. I know how it sucks.
On a side note, Hershey's Symphony Bars (the kind with toffee) fix me up almost every time. I like the really, really big one in the candy aisle at the grocery store.
Before The Goon Squad was born we lost a baby. I remember being furious when I found out that my cousin's 17 year old girlfriend was pregnant.
Between the unfairness of it all and the hormones I think it is totally normal to feel like that.
(I really like the chocolate suggestion. Brilliant.)
Post a Comment