Saturday, April 5, 2008

Sometimes, It Just Hurts

I've let myself drift farther from happiness. And it happened so slowly, I didn't realize that it was happening. And then yesterday, I something happened that made me realize that I'd drifted out really far.

I knew something wasn't quite right. I've lacked a desire for anything other than getting my way. I lacked a desire to get up in the mornings. I lacked a desire to go to bed at night. And it mentally hurt to do anything. I was depressed without feeling very sad. So, now I'm fighting it.

Yesterday, I had a small desire to jump out of the car while Ace was driving (he was going slow enough that I'd have lived, but I'd have been somewhat seriously injured), because part of me would have rather gone to a hospital than go back to that conference today. And that scared me, because I know that's not normal. I don't feel like jumping out of cars ever.

So, Ace and I talked last night. I told him about that desire (he was happy that I'd resisted it, as am I because I'm a pussy when it comes to pain). And we decided that I could stay home today and try to get closer to God again, because he can fix me and I need to be fixed.

A big part of me wants to hesitate on posting this, because I'm not sure if I come across as someone needing some serious help or as someone who had a really bad day and just needs to get that sent out. But I'm going to post it, because I want to be honest. And someday, it might help someone.

But right now, I'm ready for it to stop hurting.

I'm going to go. I'm going to try watching something funny to see if that helps.

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