After my post yesterday, I feel hesitant to post today. Not because I still feel that way, I'm feeling much better today and much more in tune with the good things in my life. But I feel like I should give it a couple of day sitting there to show how out of control I felt.
And at the same time, part of me would like to delete it because who thinks things like that? What does that mean about my mental health? Why did it happen?
But, I won't. Because it's honest. I hope you can feel how raw I felt when I wrote it. How vulnerable. How much I needed to get that off my chest.
I started this blog trying to find a voice for what I had silenced in the past. Things I didn't want my extended family to know about, because I didn't want them to worry. So, I need to keep this blog honest to what is happening, as much as I am willing to share (because there are still some things that are private). I started this blog for posts just like that post (as well as all the posts where I mention sex).
Some of the blogs I like to read the most are the ones who are willing to write about things that are personal. Things that they probably wonder who else thinks that, what it shows the world. And I admire their honesty, even if I wince at what they are feeling or thinking. Because we all have thoughts that we wish we didn't.
I'm not saying I'm all better and I'll never have problems like that again, I'm just saying that sometimes, it stops hurting and becomes slightly easier.
And I'll cling to easier for as long as I can.